Posts by Paige

Mercury Direct Dreams

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I’ve never cared too much about Mercury Retrograde.  I know it’s a big thing, I’ve just never paid too much attention to it.  Until this morning. I woke up with two pretty epic dreams about moving forward.  When I shot awake, I looked at my clock and realized that Mercury was about to go direct in 13 minutes.  Of course. So, onto my Mercury dreams.  The first one was about grief. Grief is interesting to me.  In my own grieving, I constantly find myself walking the line between allowing grief in a healthy way, and over indulging in grief. It’s such a fine line for me.  I want to make sure I experience grief and allow myself to feel it, because ignoring grief isn’t healthy.  But I don’t want to wallow in it, either.  I don’t want to let my grief dictate my life. I...

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Let’s Talk About Love Baby

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I have quite a messy history of fighting for love.  Begging for it.  Demanding it.  Crying victim when I don’t get it how I want it. I have spent so many years telling people how to love me. It doesn’t work. Fighting for love doesn’t work. The day I stopped fighting for love was the day I held a saw whet owl.  When I first put her on my glove, she gazed at me and I gazed at her right back.  She saw my soul and I saw hers.  I loved her instantly.  I knew she loved me instantly. It was amazing.  Saw Whet melted me.  And in that moment I realized that love comes naturally.  I realized that love is everywhere and it is not something I need to fight for or beg for.  And I can find pure love like that in an owl and in a sunset and in a friend and in a partner. Ah, the...

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Sobriety as Surrender

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I just realized I may have been lying to myself about my sobriety. Uh oh. It happened on New Years Eve.  I was at a beautiful intention-setting circle, talking about what I wanted to release from last year.  Suddenly and unexpectedly, being an addict came up.  I wanted to release being an addict. Confused, I wondered—how am I an addict?  I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I eat clean food.   What could I possibly be addicted to? I realized in that moment there are many ways to be an addict.  It doesn’t have to be substances.  I am an addict when I consistently do anything that brings me off balance.  I am an addict when I consistently do anything that distracts me from reality. I realized in that moment that I am an emotional addict.  My therapist recently pointed...

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Taking up Space

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Taking up Space

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about taking up space. So many of us have been trained not to take up space. Trained to “keep our voices down” trained to “shhhh, not so loud” trained to cross our legs and hunch our shoulders and take up as little of the room as possible. Look. Notice your body right now. Is it clenched, is it crossed, is it slouched? Are you making your body tight and small? I think we have all been trained to get small to some extent.  But my experience is as a queer woman, so that’s what I can speak to and understand.  Women historically and still currently are told to get small and be quiet and hide behind makeup and squeeze into small clothes. Women are even explicitly asked to take up less space by losing...

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Alpenglow

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A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog about the downfalls of looking for someone to save us.  While I still agree that we should not look outside of ourselves for a savior, I want to talk about the times that we do need to ask for help. Sometimes we need to ask for help.  It is valid to ask for help.  It is beautiful to ask for help.  Our society tells us not to ask.  We are trained to do it all ourselves, suck it up, smile, keep moving, keep moving, KEEP MOVING. But sometimes we need to stop.  Sometimes we need to stop and get quiet and ask for what we need.  Asking for help is such a raw, hard, completely vulnerable thing to do.  But how beautiful it is.  I had to do it recently.  Recently, I had to ask a whole lot of people for help.  And it was amazing.  It...

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