The twin flame journey is filled with twists and turns and facing the unknown. Although it would be years before I would meet my true twin flame, the twists and turns began for me in 2004! This is when I met a pre-twin/near twin/catalyst/false twin/ dark twin/ karmic...read more
I mentioned before that I believe that this path, the Twin Flame journey, is the hero’s journey. You’re not here to be a hero for your twin or anyone else in the world. You’re here to be your own hero. So I ask you… How do you really feel?...read more
Things don’t always turn out the way we think they should… Many times, the universe has an even better plan if we just work with it. I’d say my twin flame journey began lifetimes ago… I’ve been working lifetimes into this. When I first...read more
There is a saying, that when things are falling apart, they are really falling together. I began my twin flame journey, after things fell apart for me in a major way. The day I met my twin, I pulled a card to show me what would be with this new connection I had...read more
Watching (rewatching) Maya’s video tonight about releasing control. (posted at the bottom) Here’s a secret about me… I, personally have my Mercury in Scorpio… Planet of mental acuity meets Scorpio, a sign that can represent power and...read more
When I look over my journey of this thing thus far, I have seen the greatest growth in me when I said, “YES!” I started out as the “runner”…now to be fair, I never actually physically ran, but from day 2… I was contemplating how to...read more
Soul Shock… I mentioned some of the trials of this twin flame journey, and soul shock was definitely part of the trials for me. It was some point in July, I was awoken in the middle of the night, kind of like Miss Clavel in the Madeline books… something...read more
I had a tea bag teach me a lesson tonight… I swear, when you are open, everything… even a tea bag, is a teacher! Sometimes the twin flame path can feel torturous… You found this person! You LOVE this person to a degree that is not logical,...read more
I had an interesting realization today about this twin flame journey I’ve been on. Patience and trust have been major themes on this path. I came to a deeper understanding of trust via this picture I’ve had on my desktop! I found this picture over a year...read more
The twin flame journey is filled with twists and turns and facing the unknown. Although it would be years before I would meet my true twin flame, the twists and turns began for me in 2004! This is when I met a pre-twin/near twin/catalyst/false twin/ dark twin/ karmic partner… I don’t know what to call him, but wow, it was some thing – for the purpose of this article, I will call him Jamison.
side note: I wrote this article is to shed light on my personal experience with the difference between a true twin and a near twin/false-twin/catalyst/karmic partner, etc, for the purpose of assisting anyone who is navigating this path and may be confused or stuck in a connection that feels a bit off.
I met Jamison in 2004 when my life was in a state of major change. I initially did NOT like Jamison. He bugged me, he tried to control me, but he seemed to like me and was persistent beyond my dismissive stance, but beyond that, he seemed to know and understand parts of me most people didn’t. I didn’t know anyone in San Diego so he managed to make a place in my life and settle in. Through various circumstances and probably by virtue of him being a good listener when I needed to talk/process my life situation, I found that after a year, I had somehow fallen in deep love with him.
We had a whirlwind romance after that, it was deeply passionate and I felt seen in a way I never had before… but there were a few things blocking the way for it being free and clear, including that I still had deep healing to do from my previous relationship, and that Jamison was deeply religious and I was knee deep into astrology, animal medicine and healing energy at this time on my path and moving further away from my Catholic/Christian roots. We ended up clashing and running from each other. And that… was only the beginning.
We never ended up getting back together after that running point, but we definitely played and stretched boundaries. There is way too much metaphysical soap opera to go into here (seriously my life became a soap opera version of Supernatural), but there were situations of life, death, major betrayal, passion and there was a deep cord running between us that we both felt. At some point in this soap opera we were in, he moved away, got engaged, (while still telling me he loved me/wanted to be with me… WTH?!) and married… Sounds like twin journeys we have heard of, right? What was torturous was that I knew how to move on.. I had done it before many times, but I couldn’t shake this connection in my heart. WHY COULDN’T I MOVE ON?
Back in 2005 when this was going on, there were not a lot of resources for twin flame energy, but somehow, I found information about it…and realized.. that was what this was. This was the only explanation of what I was feeling and why I felt everything! This was why I couldn’t get over him. This was why I would love him for the rest of my life. This is why his birthday would pop up on everything! This was why I would see him or his name or a song he would sing to me everywhere I went! This is why he seemed to know who I was… Ok… I could accept this! So the story should end there… I accepted it and moved on as best as I could… but again… just the beginning.
At this point, I was diving deep into energy work. Since I had gotten into natural health and healing after not being able to heal my tonsillitis with Western Medicine, I found myself going down MANY rabbit holes as I went to school for Natural Health and Massage. I had already started my energy path learning Reiki several years before… but now I really dove in.
How could I feel better? ( You will see this is a repeating theme in my life… the better it gets the better it gets and it starts with me!) I ended up at a healer’s house in a session and the moment she looked at me, she said, “Oh my gosh! You lost a baby! You lost 2 babies!” I started bawling… I had never been pregnant, I hadn’t physically lost any babies, but while Jamison and I had been together, I had seen in a vision 2 baby twin boys that I thought would be ours…and then right after he got married, his wife got pregnant with twin baby boys… and I had felt it when she went into labor and had those boys. Now I am a pretty psychic and intuitive person, but this stuff went beyond my skills. I had no answer for any of this, except… this is twin stuff. This is what this journey is.
We cleared me that day. She gave me energetic exercises to clear his energy out of my body and some cord cutting… and it helped, but I still felt him…there was still more.
Somewhere along the time line of all this, I started my journey with Cranio-Sacral Therapy. I started working with my mentor and every time I was in a session or doing a session on someone, past life energy would come up. I was beginning to tune into my past life stories and there was a doozy that was physically trying to get my attention. I would be going about my life and suddenly feel a knife plunging into my back. There was no knife in reality, but it was painful…
The scene is night time in a forest, full moon. We are gathered around a fire, wearing red robes. The leader disrobes me and starts cutting into my back behind my heart chakra. It is my duty to disregard my pain, to disassociate from my body. This was not only physical but energetic as well. They were connecting my heart chakra of all subsequent lives to this group, to this cult… I was powering up whatever our quest was from my energy, multiple lives. Pretty trippy. As I remembered this scene, I had a flash of a meditation I had done where Jamison had shown up as my guide in this life, and I suddenly wondered if he really wasn’t my guide and this was a multi-life manipulation. (I also came to know other lifetimes where he had been a “spiritual” leader of some sort…and our interactions were not pleasant… no wonder I DID NOT LIKE HIM when we met lol)
I would be doing something, and suddenly I would feel the stabbing pain in my back, catapulting me back to that time in the forest. I knew I had to break free from it but I didn’t know how. My mentor and I started working on it, decording me from that energy. It was interesting because as we worked me, I felt my energy return in a way that hadn’t been in a long time. And I found that I went from desperately loving him, to not really caring about him anymore than any old acquaintance that I had. I still thought that he was my twin flame though and that I had just finally really moved on. Here and there his energy would pop up around me, I’d wish him well energetically and carry on with my life.
I feel this is why I didn’t really think of it when my true twin came into my life last year. Been there, done that, got the degree, moved on. I was looking for something else… definitely not twin flame connection (a twinship!)… no repeat of that drama necessary. When it came up, my response was nooooo… lol, but I couldn’t deny the connection or what I was feeling despite myself.
Here is a good time to mention that it was totally different from the Jamison or “false twin” connection. It did not start out with dislike, there was no control paradigm. This was home. This was reflection. It was the exhale after holding my breathe for a million years. There was allowing and resonant. I’m a pretty independent being… my whole experience with Jamison had push and pull as he tried to control everything I would do… wild horses and the embodied feminine can not be dominated or controlled, just loved, for the record. It was peaceful and fun and silly and a reflection of the innocence and light of my soul. I didn’t know what to do with the energy coming through this new connection.
So I went for help! I went to Maya as I had seen her as highly recommended by someone I knew and she had already been a lil part of this path that I will talk about in another blog. I told her I don’t know what I think about the twin thing, it kinda triggered me, but whoa this thing.. what is it? She honored my trigger, ha ha, because Maya is the best and loving and light and kind… but she confirmed that it was my true twin. (as has everyone else I have worked with on this path that can sense/see these energies.. although I will always encourage you to quiet your mind and get to that place where you know it within yourself) Where did this leave the Jamison thing? What was that? I was beginning to be able to distinguish the different between my twin flame and the false twin energy that was connected to me.
I worked with someone during my Soul Shock time who said that they felt Jamison still in my energy field, and as I went through the Soul Shock experience, I often would confuse my twin’s energy with Jamison’s…which only added to the running feeling I was experiencing within. I’d see my true twin in my dreams, but his voice and method of speaking was Jamison’s. It FREAKED me out. There were still cords connecting my energy to that life, possibly connecting my twin to that life?…to whatever that mission was that I had given myself and my energy to. The stabbing in my back which had been mostly gone for a long time, was back. In a yoga class, one night, I saw myself in that lifetime, in the red robes in the forest, under the moonlight… I saw myself morph into Kali and once and for all sever the energy and the cords. I was done. This was serious. I was serious. No more syphoning my energy. That was a powerful class 😉 It was that moment that I firmly understood that the connection I felt was not a true twin experience but definitely could be categorized as “false twin.”
Jamison went away after then. His energy stopped connecting to my twins. I stopped hearing his voice and suddenly my trigger around twin-ship went away. I think that was the moment I stopped running and said yes. This was the beginning of my acceptance of my true path to Divine Union through finding the union in me.
I share this story because many people talk about dark twins, false twins, catalyst twins, karmic partners, etc… What was Jamison? I don’t know… If I had to say with what I know now… I’d say he was a karmic partner and there were some major cords attached. The connection was the cord… the connection had reflection and brought me healing, but it was not a mirror experience of my soul. Jamison is not my soul. When I looked into his eye, I felt nothing but coldness. What I had connected to, was how he knew me, but of course he knew me… he had been using and syphoning my energy for lifetimes. It was a manipulation…but I had allowed myself to be manipulated.
My story sounds like other twin stories I have heard. This is why I remind you to be open on your true path to divine union. Do your inner work, notice what the patters are showing you about yourself. Show up for yourself and do your healing work… because maybe this person is your true twin, but maybe you are in a similar situation and the connection is a corded “false twin” or “karmic partner” connection, not the soul mirror that a twin is. I don’t know… You may not know… but I promise if you do the work, you will be able to sort it out. A big lesson from this that I see now in my young lil 20-something self was that I was hungering to be known. Jamison filled that hole for me for a time, but ultimately his controlling behavior showed me that his “knowing” was my desire to be seen and a manifestation of his desire to control me, not a sign that he actually “saw” me.
You don’t have to know what your experience is, if this is a twin or a false twin. Obviously it took me a long while to figure this out but I needed to go through that experience…and maybe I needed to believe he was my twin in order for me to show up and heal this very old pattern in myself. Show up for you. Practice self love… work with people who know what they are doing and can help you understand yourself and if need be clear you from cords and these energies. Some like to say that karma doesn’t exist… ok… that’s cool… in that case.. I don’t know what that was but clearly there was something there to be worked through and I’m glad I was able to work through it. That’s the point. You can work through it no matter what it is. I also want to clarify that my experience of the connection was part of the manipulation. Yes, I felt what I felt, but a big part of what I felt, was based on how I thought he was seeing me. But it was never him seeing me – I was feeling my energy. I believe many false twin situations arise from the desire to fill that hole of needing to be seen, but this is opportunity of healing in order to know yourself.
What I will tell you about the difference between a false twin and a true twin at least in my experience – your twin, will bring you closer to you, will bring you closer to God Universe. It may not always be easy, there are mirrors to be cleaned, but ask yourself if it’s moving you closer to love, and if it is… keep on it. Twinship is designed to bring out the best in you, even if it has to bring out the worst in you first 😉 We are humans… we make mistakes, we hurt one another, even in this journey but, it will return you home, to your center where both of you exist in union, always. You will be able to release the obsession and find peace because they are a piece of you…or a peace of you 😉 Find your center and you will feel the difference. It’s no longer about falling in love with something outside of you, but rather, rising in love within yourself.
To work with me: http://www.gaiablooming.com/mimi-clarks-services
and I highly recommend Maya if you are confused about what your connection is http://www.choosefaithnotfear.com
here is a video about her catalyst experience
I mentioned before that I believe that this path, the Twin Flame journey, is the hero’s journey. You’re not here to be a hero for your twin or anyone else in the world. You’re here to be your own hero. So I ask you… How do you really feel? It’s through being honest with yourself as you ask yourself that question, that you can begin to step into the role of hero in your life.
Now it’s easy in the beginning for this path to feel amazing.. the bubble sensation! But you know.. you can get there yourself. In fact, I encourage you to get there yourself. I encourage you to be your own hero when it comes to feeling good in your life.
Part of the twin flame energy on the planet at this time is to shift the old paradigms of relationship and a part of that is co-dependence. It’s easy to forget that the focus of this journey is ascension and unconditional love…And these energies have to start with you. The twin comes in…holy amazingness… this level of connection exists? And then depending on your journey lessons… things happen and you pop out of the bubble, and is an amazing carrot on a stick for us to do our personal work. I remember saying to my friend at some point during the Soul Shock energy, that I had felt the light… I knew it was in me, and I was going to do whatever I needed to do to get it back. I knew that I could get that feeling back to me without him. Don’t let getting your twin back be what drives you… If you make feeling good the focus, you will empower your life to a new level. It is possible for you to feel AMAZING no matter what stage you are at in your twin flame journey. This isn’t about avoiding the crap that you need to address, but rather knowing that capacity for light, what you felt with your twin, was something that exists in you at this very moment. The light you felt, was light within magnetized to the surface by the connection. It’s not up to your twin to fulfill you.. it’s not up to your twin to bring you your joy. What you feel in that connection is a reflection of who you are, and a glimmer of the energy you are capable of. It’s time to notice how you feel, and where you may be relying on energy out side of you to feel good or feel better.
So, how do you feel? If you don’t feel good, that’s ok… What can you do or be for yourself to feel better? How can you love on yourself in this moment? This post is coming out while there are multiple planets helping us focus on the self love and self worth process. It can be a hard lesson but I think one of the most important on this journey, no one can fill your holes. No one can fix those deep internal wounds. There are those who can point you in the right direction. There are those who can give you wisdom and support… but ultimately the process is yours and it takes time. I experienced this first hand in multiple relationships and that is that no one can ever love you enough to to fill the lack of self love. That can seem so helpless and hopeless… but honestly it’s to me the most empowering position you can take. This is a reminder that all the love in the world is contained in you. The twinship reflects this, and then the universe is like.. ok we’ve shown you… now you do it. I promise you… You can be your own hero. You can fill yourself up with authentic love and light… and from that place, you will be amazed at how the love from the universe pours in.
So how do you get there? Invite in pleasure. Invite in laughter. Invite in fun! What would you be doing if your twin was with you? Do that for yourself! Get out in nature, let it reflect your light, your brilliance back at you. Turn up the music and dance – my personal favorite 😉 Music does have healing abilities, vibrations that can shift you! Remember who you were when you had moments of light in your childhood. I know not everyone had a great childhood, but there is light available to you from that time. Grasp that light and pull your child into the light you are cultivating into your life now. You will find that not only are you a hero for yourself now, but you will be the hero for your inner child… and it will inspire others around you. This is how we heal the world.. this is why we find ourselves on this path. How cool is that? You can start right now! Ask yourself- what would you do for yourself right now if you loved yourself… and then set about doing it. Change will happen!
I’m leaving you with the lyrics to Hero by Mariah Carey because they sum up this ability that you have in your life to show up for you in a big way. Go on, you’ve got this! Commit to yourself… no matter what happens, I guarantee you will be glad you did. This takes away any pressure of outcome, takes you out of the future and the past and right into this moment where all your power lies. And side note: And I promise that I will continue to expand upon and share these and more experiences as they come up in future blogs.
To see the other blogs in this series so far go here: Twin Flame Journey
There’s a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don’t have to be afraid
Of what you are
There’s an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
It’s a long, road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
Dreams are hard to follow
But don’t let anyone
Tear them away
There will be tomorrow
In time you’ll find the way
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
That a hero lies in you
That a hero lies in you
Things don’t always turn out the way we think they should… Many times, the universe has an even better plan if we just work with it.
I’d say my twin flame journey began lifetimes ago… I’ve been working lifetimes into this. When I first met my twin, he said something like he just remembered many lifetimes of looking for something… looking for her.. and my breath caught and I dared to wonder for a second, if I might be her… Before dismissing the idea and moving on in the conversation… But I believe a series of dreams is what made it happen…
In my Things Fall Apart blog, I talked about how a part of this journey is allowing the fall apart to come together… but before I got to that place…even before my fall apart, I had dreams beckoning me into something different.
Starting in about November of 2013 I started having dreams about an ex… We had a long, turbulent, but loving and passionate relationship when I was young. We had been broken up for 9 years at the time these dreams started coming, and I was fully committed and in a relationship…so I was kinda surprised when the kicked in out of the blue… and then kept coming. Weekly or more, I would dream about my ex. And I was finding that through my dreams, I was falling in love with him again?! I didn’t really know what to make of it. We hadn’t spoken in many years, I had no idea how he was or even who he was anymore… and yet I loved him. I didn’t know at that time, but his family was going through a medical journey. I believe that was in part, why his spirit reached out to me on that level…there had been and will always exist somewhere, a very real love between us. I would often wake up smiling from these dreams, remembering how our love had felt and how it had supported me through some crazy times that I had gone through.
In early April of 2015 I was still in that relationship and still having those dreams about my ex. One morning I woke up laughing about the dream I had the night before because it had shown my ex and I driving around Santa Cruz (where I used to live at the time we dated) holding hands, kissing, looking for a house to live in. I was like…well that’s clearly not going to happen… and I let it go..and wondered still.. WHY?!
Well about a week later, suddenly I found myself up in Santa Cruz because my dad had died and reaching out to said ex…because I felt incredibly alone and sad and vulnerable being back “home” and not knowing anyone here anymore. From there… things fell apart and I ended up deciding to stay in Santa Cruz to hold space for my mom as she learned to maneuver through life without my dad at her side.
The dreams about my ex continued. We had a little contact.. but it was pretty clear it wasn’t going anywhere… but the energy was taking me somewhere.
I let what I loved about that relationship lift me up… I Abrahamed it… It didn’t have to mean that it would be him at the next spot on this journey… but the joy, the fun, the connection we had… the play.. OH so important.. the play, and the passion.. that was what I wanted..and was moving me.
I decided to jump into the pond to see who was out there… just to play… and met my twin… very unexpectedly…funny enough, with synchronicity connecting him to my ex. I have an interesting note to make here… I really was NOT thinking twin flame.. didn’t enter my mind to look for that..which I will explain in a later blog. I am curious if I would have thought that my ex who I was dreaming so profoundly about was a twin situation? It never entered my mind though like I said… I have no doubt however though that some part of my ex’s higher self was working in tandem with my higher self… with the universe, to guide me into this next step in the journey. Without it, I may not have had the courage to let go of the old, to let it fall apart…Not without the promise of great love as I was feeling.
I think this is an important lesson on this journey. There are people out there saying.. this is your twin, this is not your twin… A twin would act like this, a twin wouldn’t act like this… it can all get very confusing… But don’t get hung up on what it looks like…Let this energy move you. What comes at the end may look different than what you expected when you set you… Move with the energy, … trust how it is guiding you…THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY… it is no one else’s and no one else can tell you what you are feeling. This journey is ultimately about unconditional love… shift that love focus to yourself, and let it expand you and light you up. Remember..hold on lightly because… I mean after those dreams for years and I ended up living like a mile from my ex, I really thought there was something to it… and I even had psychics telling me there was..and behold there was.. but it was in a different body, different form… and even now…as I maneuver this twin journey.. I don’t know what the outcome will look like… but I’m letting love move me and lift me up…and we’ll see what happens 😉 Let love be your focus and you will focus yourself into a beautiful love starting in yourself and expanding beyond.
That being said… I do advocate Maya KahNah’s readings at http://www.choosefaithnotfear.com … she has her finger on the pulse of this twin journey… I trust her vision when it comes to this… if you need some clarity… if you are in confusion what this soul contract is… let her help guide your process because she does so with such great love!
Listen to your dreams, honor the signs… remember the universe isn’t always literal in it’s depiction of things… but let it move you. Not from figuring it out with the mind.. I’ve decided that’s pretty impossible on this path… but let it move you from your spirit and soul, which is where we really connect. It’s ok not to know and to trust the love. If you are doing your work, if you are loving yourself… it doesn’t matter when it’s taking you… it’s going to be somewhere great.
To book a reading with me http://www.gaiablooming.com/mimi-clarks-services
There is a saying, that when things are falling apart, they are really falling together. I began my twin flame journey, after things fell apart for me in a major way. The day I met my twin, I pulled a card to show me what would be with this new connection I had made… I pulled the thunderbolt card… and the lovers and the integration card 😉 but that thunderbolt (the tower in traditional tower decks) made me wonder… what was this journey going to be?
When I met my twin, I was just coming out of a crazy year. I met him almost exactly a year after my dad passed away unexpectedly. After his passing, I left my home of 12 years in San Diego – that I had LOVED dearly. I left all my friends, my energy work practice that was growing, my niece and nephew that I had been a nanny for since they were born.. a few other children that I loved and watched occasionally as additional income and because they were like family. I left my boyfriend, ended that relationship… and moved back up to Northern CA to live with my mom. Things had fallen apart to say the least. I spent the next year, cultivating my astrology practice, getting to know myself, spending a lot of time alone remembering who I was.. who I AM… and getting in energetic alignment with what I wanted. I knew that part of the picture was an epic love.
So when I pulled that card upon our meeting, I was like…what now?! Hasn’t there been enough of that tower/thunderbolt energy? Apparently not… Now I wrote about a big portion of my personal thunderbolt experience through this process in my Soul Shock blog which you can read here…
When we met, we compared our personal thunderbolt notes… We had both been through a lot in the year prior… I’ll let him share his story when he’s ready to share that.. But at one point when I was frustrated with my situation with my Mom, and he was encouraging me to get out and come to him, I said something along the lines off, “I will leave… one day… once I get ok being here. Because otherwise I know, I’ll end up in a similar situation of discontent cause that energy is in me, not in the situation.” Here is a quote from Pema Chodron’s book, When Things Fall Apart that delves into that theory.
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know …nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. Maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. If we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. It just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.”
Now many of you on this journey have probably experienced similar energy…. The tower card, the thunderbolt card. Things falling apart. This is an important part of this process. This card is one of the best/hardest cards you can get in a spread. It indicates there will be challenges… and many times, the biggest challenge is within the self. To me, this card represents the toppling of ego. Happy or not, many times we will stay in the discontentment… Not to shift the energy as was my intention in the conversation above, but because we are afraid of the change because the energy mimics something within us. We need these tower moments, to topple the part of the ego that holds onto the toxic, that holds onto the false, the old, the unwilling, the fear of shifting. The biggest changes happen within.
Some of us are addicted to the change and swing from situation to situation and finding ourselves again and again in similar toxic situations. In these cases, we need those thunderbolt energies because once again, the change needs to happen within and the universe will keep providing the opportunities until we dig in.
This journey is one of the most powerful in getting us to face these thunderbolt moments. We are faced with the ecstasy and the agony of this connection… and yet, once again, all contained within. This is necessary. This journey takes us into our authentic wholeness. We have conditioning (which is funny enough the card right before the thunderbolt in the Osho deck) which keeps us stuck in patterns the world has told us are safe. Stuck in looking for love in all the wrong places (outside of ourselves), filling holes and wounds with outside stimulation, and hiding from the energies of abandonment, betrayal, rejection, and unworthiness that we keep hidden away. Sometimes the tower card reminds me of the walls we have built up within through these patterns and blocks coming down.
The thunderbolt brings this stuff up and it’s up to us to face and heal it. Now as an astrologer, I get to see the patterns of how and where this happens in every day astro and in individual charts… We’re in a time of some thunder bolting.. (I pulled that card for tomorrow’s energy as I write this!) and I wanted to write this blog to support any of you that are swimming in this energy.
Don’t let these shake-ups make you give up, but rather allow them to help you dig in. Many will say, well I’ve done this work already.. I hear you… I had done about 12 years of hard work on myself prior to this connection.. and he had done a lot on himself.. It still took us both by surprise and shook up these blocks. Dig in… See those insecurities for what they are. One of the most wonderful things on this journey is that it’s a beautiful mirror for what you need in your life….a return to self. Tune in, dig deeper, love yourself through this. Allow the tower to do it’s best…don’t let your ego stop you. As Lee and Sherry like to say, we are always in a state of healing… there isn’t really a healed point. Abraham says it too, “You’ll never get it done.”…so this will be ongoing.. Even once you come into union with your twin, the work doesn’t stop, the need to focus on yourself.. will not stop. I think many of us need this time apart, to get into the self focus groove.
If things are falling apart for you… Celebrate.. the universe has something amazing planned for you.. but first, it’s helping you get out of your own way. It’s time to make peace with the tower, with the thunderbolt. Tosha Silver reminds us to let what wants to go, go..so that what wants to come in, has room to move in. Leaving you with a quote from the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun, “Unthinkably good things can happen even late in the game.”
Trust the process… This is not your demise, this is your integration <3
Watching (rewatching) Maya’s video tonight about releasing control. (posted at the bottom) Here’s a secret about me… I, personally have my Mercury in Scorpio… Planet of mental acuity meets Scorpio, a sign that can represent power and control(among other things).. I try to control with my mind… by out-thinking what is going on in the universe, or in this union process. As we move through interesting astrological conditions (read multiple planets in Pisces increasing flow, releasing any sense of control plus the current astro of Cardinal t-square encouraging the illusion of control on increase)
Going back into the theme of TRUST in this energy… Like I posted in an earlier blog, it is of the utmost importance in this energy. Recognize where you are not in trust with your twin, where you are not in trust with yourself, and therefore where you are not in trust with the universe.
Out-thinking the universe, trying to figure out what is happening next, what your twin is doing, when your twin is coming, anything basically outside of yourself, is showing you where you are still holding onto the illusion of control. I say this because even if you do know, there really isn’t anything you can do to control your twin. I say this because often with this knowledge, you throw your vibration so completely out of control that your ego seizes control, and suddenly you are spiraling out of control with your actions and therefore in a vibrational spiral.
What you can control… is pointing this energy right back at yourself… (this is always the highest advice in twin flame energy…and really in any interaction…coming back into the self) and diving into the work you need to do on you… including monitoring and working on shifting your vibration. You are the the twin… your twin is you… It is enough to work on you… it is enough to focus on yourself! It is enough to get happy here and now how and where you are and releasing any pressure about what is going on with the other. I know! I know! We’re curious! We want to know.. I get it… But I’m telling ya… true happiness lies in letting that go and concentrating on your path. Get in the flow… and watch the magic unfold… but don’t get in the flow for the magic of union to flow.. do it because you LOVE yourself so much… you just can’t resist the vivacious juicy flow of being you! Check out this video from my friend Maya… She knows this process! She’ll help you get back into that high vibe state!
When I look over my journey of this thing thus far, I have seen the greatest growth in me when I said, “YES!”
I started out as the “runner”…now to be fair, I never actually physically ran, but from day 2… I was contemplating how to escape…why I should escape: It was too good! I was too undeserving! There were too many obstacles. He was too into me. And OMG… what was I getting myself into. On day 2… I’d say about 36 hours into knowing each other, I received a text from my twin saying he was thinking about me and that we really have “connection.”
My response (I apologize for the swearing… ha ha but this is accurate to how I was feeling within) was, “Shit! Shit! Mother Fucking shit!” I was ready to run. Looking for all the reasons it couldn’t work. Here’s the screen shot of the screen shot I sent my best friends about this situation… Lol.. no exaggeration going on here
And then, within an hour, magic happened. I received a package from Danielle LaPorte that I had ordered even before the twin-sperience began. (Side note… I had no idea I was entering the twin zone at this point… it was way too new… and I really had no thought in my head that it was this thing.. I just thought it was like.. whoa… ) In this package, was a card that says, “Love rewards the brave.” I read that card… and I was like. Ok. This is my sign. I want love. I want a great love. I have been calling in an epic love. You don’t get that by giving in to a few lil obstacles like being across the country…or whatever other nonsense excuses my mind was coming up with at this time. This moment was the moment I said, “YES” to this love, to the twin-sperience. I lit a candle and documented it on Instagram. (you can see… same day stamp!) This card has been on my altar since that day, reminding me every day… to be brave… to say YES!
Now to be fair, since then, this journey and the ups and downs have mostly consisted of the times where I have contemplated running as the low points, and the high points where I surrender and say YES! I committed to being brave… but it’s still a daily decision.
My first meeting with Lee and Sherry… they immediately pointed out, that I was running. “I am”?!?! I squeaked when they said that.. but I see it! From minute 1, I was looking for reasons this thing, whatever it was, with beautiful potential… I was looking for a way out, a reason to get out. Perhaps, you can see a lil piece of you in this story?
Another huge turning point was after I got through the hardest part of my soul shock experience (read more about that here) I was still contemplating what to do. I had people in my life telling me someone new, a soulmate was coming in for me, but I was conflicted. I didn’t want to start love triangles. I didn’t want to be with someone else when I had all these feelings for my twin. I was torturing myself over these decisions I was trying to make. And then, I went back to that beginning lesson that I started with. There was this thing… it definitely did NOT look how I wanted it to look at this point, but now I had a lil more clarity and understanding of what I was going through… What did I want to do? I decided to say YES once again. Yes to this dance! Yes to a chance! Yes to what my heart and soul said they were desiring to do in that moment. Yes to the universe’s plan to me. Part of this is knowing that I don’t know what this will look like, but that Yes was the most liberating yes for me. I went from wishy washy stuck in my head to empowered… this is how I’m moving forward… and the magic keeps on unfolding. That was right around Christmas time… Interestingly, it was when Saturn was conjunct my natal Neptune… a time I tell my clients is a time of a leap of faith. I think this is one of the biggest leaps of faith I’ve taken yet. To say YES whole-heartedly to this journey.
One of the most interesting synchronicities on this path has been that since I met him, I’ve been having clients coming into my life saying they are a twin, or clients in a twin experience wondering what was going on with them. I was like… ohhh… this is part of my path. I need to go through these energies so I can help bring the light and guide others through this energy. These blogs are part of my saying yes to this energy… These lessons, trials, tribulations, challenges are not all for naught. Show up, say yes… and see what the universe brings you! Side note: if you are saying yes, but not feeling the yes on all your levels – body, mind, spirit, soul… then that is a cue to say YES to yourself instead and do some inner work. You will find your way into your full embodied yes. It’s also knowing, your yes may look different, take a different path than my yes… Honor your yes! Honor your path! Honor your sacred journey! Say yes to you! I leave you with a song that has been in my head as I have typed this up! Just say yes!
It’s not a test, nor a trick of the mind
You know it is
We can’t be to and fro like this
All our lives
You’re the only way to me
The path is clear
I mentioned some of the trials of this twin flame journey, and soul shock was definitely part of the trials for me.
It was some point in July, I was awoken in the middle of the night, kind of like Miss Clavel in the Madeline books… something wasn’t right. Something was terribly wrong. I didn’t know anything, I just felt a deep sense of dread in my soul.
There was no logical reason. As far as I knew, my twin was enjoying a vacation, chilling. All was well… Except my soul was screaming at me otherwise.
The details don’t really matter, but the soul screaming went from bad to worse over the next 2 months. There was low to no contact with my twin after months of beautiful connection and seeming plans for the future. There was a deep abiding illusion of separation that I connected into. Being part scorpio astro wise, evidence if existing is findable… and there was evidence that something was not right and that separation was the logical conclusion. 😉
Soul Shock, in my experience, is different than dark night of the soul or even astrological Pluto or Saturn transits… intense, but a different animal. Steve Gunn describes soul shock: “‘soul shock.’ When someone you have a deep connection with suddenly pulls away, the dis-connect leaves you feeling as if your soul has left your body, like an empty shell. You just can’t get back to reality and you can feel as if you simply exist. What we’re talking about here is not a conventional emotional relationship. A soul connection is the most powerful soul level connection with someone and when separations like this occur you just can’t “get over it” or “move on” however hard you try. Many people can’t eat sleep or work for a long time, a lot end up on medication and in counseling.”
The soul shock was highly confusing and a mostly physical experience for me, although also metaphysical in how I was processing it. Food was impossible to eat, or to keep down if I managed to eat. Sleep was either light and non-existent or intense and filled with dreams/psychic visions of my twin. I went through a period of about a month, a month and a half, where I couldn’t stop shaking as if I was stuck out in the tundra in only a bathing suit, or a really chilly chihuahua. Now I am someone who knows how to medicate myself with natural foods, herbs, supplements. I have brought my adrenals back completely blown out, so I was treating my nervous system as delicately as I could to feel better. Nothing worked beyond working the past life energies that were screaming at me along with my soul. There are no words to describe the intensity of the physicality of the soul shock experience that I went through….and that some of you may have as well.
The interesting thing was that I couldn’t cry. No tears surfaced despite the intense physical, emotional pain that was moving through me. I couldn’t understand it. My heart felt devastated, and yet it seemed that because I couldn’t understand it, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t hate him, although I wanted to. I couldn’t forget him, although I tried my best. I still could not cry. I wanted to, so I could release and move on, and yet… I couldn’t… not until the dams burst in October. That was the major turning point, when I started my upswing.
I seek to understand what is going on with me, and I sought… I went to psychics, I talked to my friends who are psychics, I perused twin forums, I met someone who became a close friend who popped out of nowhere and became a huge support for me. (side note: I am going to write a blog about the interesting people who tend to pop into our lives to help us on our twin path!!) I pulled cards, I watched youtube videos and I dove DEEP into myself (the number 1 thing you can do). I write this and share this now, because I know my other offerings have been positive… (read those here and here) and that is where I am at now. But I went through this intense journey of soul shock to get here. And through every minute of that soul shock, my goal was to feel better, my goal was to love myself through whatever this was. My mantra always being, “the better it gets, the better it gets.”
I also found myself mostly in hermit mode through this time. I couldn’t handle anything negative said about my twin. Despite the situations going on, if anyone said anything negative about him, it felt like knives in my heart. With my whole being, I wanted to protect him from any negative thought. I didn’t want to be told to move on as that felt equally painful, although at some point I did text my twin asking him just that, should I move on? The only time through this soul shock experience that I felt like me, was when I was doing astro, meeting with clients, or dancing, which I had to force myself to do out of a deep sense of self preservation.
I went to yoga and to dance classes, out of the sense of self preservation and because I could be alone even surrounded by people, I processed. I would have my twin pop up in yoga, talk to me, tell me what was really going on, and remind me that I could trust him and this experience. How could I trust something that was making me feel so bad? How could I trust someone who said they cared and the next moment, seemingly proved otherwise? I think one of the hardest parts of the journey was the battle raging in my mind. I believe my thoughts about what was happening kept me in soul shock a bit longer than I had to be to physically to process the energies. I should also mention that despite the dreams, confirmations, and visions I was having, I was also in deep twin flame denial. This was not my twin. My twin wouldn’t do this to me…. and that too, kept me spinning through my soul shock.
But from this other side of the soul shock journey, there is realization of how much healing went on from encountering these depths. That abandonment, the betrayal, the fears realized were all in me, all in my vibration. Part of the soul shock was the tidal wave of these vibrations I’ve been carrying around through lifetimes, through ancestral energies, into this life, coming into fruition all at once.
We can stand around and blame the other for hurting us, but the truth is that hurt already existed deeply within. On a soul level, the greatest act of compassion was bringing this energy to my attention, even if it hurt like hell.
If you are in the midst of soul shock, no matter what kind of situation brought it about for you, it is a call for deep self love. Chances are, blaming your love, your twin, won’t make you feel better… in my case, it was the work on me that made me feel better. Taking response ability and loving yourself through it, whatever that means for you, will help you move through this… with as much grace as possible.
I encourage you to reach out to someone who has been through this if you are in this space. To remind you that they made it through, and that you too, are strong enough to make it through and filled with enough love and light to guide your way through.
Below I am including websites to some of the people who helped me the most through this energy! I am lucky to be surrounded by GREAT healers and people who have been on this journey. I am also someone who can help you, my modality mostly being through astrology and my intuition, but I am finding the deeper I go on this path, the more I am opening to feeling and understanding this connection <3
With great love
Alexandra: She does SRT a kind of clearing… she was an angel that came out of nowhere for me on this journey and has become a trusted friend
Maya: I will tell a story one day of how she was a part of my journey even before I realized I was on a twin flame journey! Maya is a twin in Union and carries so much light in helping you get into union, as well as a gifted psychic!
Watching Lee and Sherry on youtube and then working with them has been so helpful too! They documented their whole twin saga! They did major work to get to union
I had a tea bag teach me a lesson tonight… I swear, when you are open, everything… even a tea bag, is a teacher!
Sometimes the twin flame path can feel torturous… You found this person! You LOVE this person to a degree that is not logical, that you’ve never before experienced, and yet… there are trials….dun dun dunnnnn!
Sometimes we forget, amidst the trials, what a miracle it is to feel love! This love transcends anything we’ve ever learned about love. It can take us to our greatest heights, and gives us the stamina to trough through the deepest depths.
It can’t be ignored that the word, ledge, is in privilege (well almost, when you add a D 😉 ) It really is a sort of ledge. I told a few people, that I felt like I kept clinging to this cliff, this old way of being… and the universe kept flicking me off the cliff, making me dive into the healing waters of flow. The priviledge 😉 is to get off the ledge of should I love this person or should I not love this person. You can’t help it! You just love! Love is an infinite victory!
If you find yourself struggling, settle back into the love you feel. Let that love be your light to guide your way on. There is purpose in every step of this journey, even the universe flicking you off the ledge. Let love be your guide. Trust the love process… and beyond all… Love with no expectation and find that this love, can in fact, light you up just as it is in this moment.
The answer to the question, “Should I love”? is always a resounding YES from the universe.
I had an interesting realization today about this twin flame journey I’ve been on. Patience and trust have been major themes on this path. I came to a deeper understanding of trust via this picture I’ve had on my desktop!
I found this picture over a year ago, before I realized the twin flame journey I was on, and had decided that this was the relationship I wanted. This picture felt all kinds of “YES” to me. (ha ha little did I know that I was already embarking on one of the most interesting and intense journeys of my life! I actually also believe this is a process that began before I was born… so to be fair… I’ve been on it for my entire lifetime.. only conscious of it however, recently.)
As I was staring at it today, I realized that the feminine energy, the yin, has her eyes closed, in a moment of complete surrender and trust in the moment. The third eyes are glowing, connected, in union and that aids in the complete sense of trust.
This is the energy of twin flame union, of the ultimate hieros gamos. It’s union through trust. It’s union within as well as without. Does the yin in you, know how to close her eyes and trust?
I do believe that trust is an energy of co-creation. First you learn to trust yourself, allow the yin, trust the universe, move with the yang… and then you realize, the other is you, and you can close your eyes and relax into the knowing of this truth… that it already is.