The twin flame journey is filled with twists and turns and facing the unknown. Although it would be years before I would meet my true twin flame, the twists and turns began for me in 2004! This is when I met a pre-twin/near twin/catalyst/false twin/ dark twin/ karmic partner… I don’t know what to call him, but wow, it was some thing – for the purpose of this article, I will call him Jamison.
side note: I wrote this article is to shed light on my personal experience with the difference between a true twin and a near twin/false-twin/catalyst/karmic partner, etc, for the purpose of assisting anyone who is navigating this path and may be confused or stuck in a connection that feels a bit off.
I met Jamison in 2004 when my life was in a state of major change. I initially did NOT like Jamison. He bugged me, he tried to control me, but he seemed to like me and was persistent beyond my dismissive stance, but beyond that, he seemed to know and understand parts of me most people didn’t. I didn’t know anyone in San Diego so he managed to make a place in my life and settle in. Through various circumstances and probably by virtue of him being a good listener when I needed to talk/process my life situation, I found that after a year, I had somehow fallen in deep love with him.
We had a whirlwind romance after that, it was deeply passionate and I felt seen in a way I never had before… but there were a few things blocking the way for it being free and clear, including that I still had deep healing to do from my previous relationship, and that Jamison was deeply religious and I was knee deep into astrology, animal medicine and healing energy at this time on my path and moving further away from my Catholic/Christian roots. We ended up clashing and running from each other. And that… was only the beginning.
We never ended up getting back together after that running point, but we definitely played and stretched boundaries. There is way too much metaphysical soap opera to go into here (seriously my life became a soap opera version of Supernatural), but there were situations of life, death, major betrayal, passion and there was a deep cord running between us that we both felt. At some point in this soap opera we were in, he moved away, got engaged, (while still telling me he loved me/wanted to be with me… WTH?!) and married… Sounds like twin journeys we have heard of, right? What was torturous was that I knew how to move on.. I had done it before many times, but I couldn’t shake this connection in my heart. WHY COULDN’T I MOVE ON?
Back in 2005 when this was going on, there were not a lot of resources for twin flame energy, but somehow, I found information about it…and realized.. that was what this was. This was the only explanation of what I was feeling and why I felt everything! This was why I couldn’t get over him. This was why I would love him for the rest of my life. This is why his birthday would pop up on everything! This was why I would see him or his name or a song he would sing to me everywhere I went! This is why he seemed to know who I was… Ok… I could accept this! So the story should end there… I accepted it and moved on as best as I could… but again… just the beginning.
At this point, I was diving deep into energy work. Since I had gotten into natural health and healing after not being able to heal my tonsillitis with Western Medicine, I found myself going down MANY rabbit holes as I went to school for Natural Health and Massage. I had already started my energy path learning Reiki several years before… but now I really dove in.
How could I feel better? ( You will see this is a repeating theme in my life… the better it gets the better it gets and it starts with me!) I ended up at a healer’s house in a session and the moment she looked at me, she said, “Oh my gosh! You lost a baby! You lost 2 babies!” I started bawling… I had never been pregnant, I hadn’t physically lost any babies, but while Jamison and I had been together, I had seen in a vision 2 baby twin boys that I thought would be ours…and then right after he got married, his wife got pregnant with twin baby boys… and I had felt it when she went into labor and had those boys. Now I am a pretty psychic and intuitive person, but this stuff went beyond my skills. I had no answer for any of this, except… this is twin stuff. This is what this journey is.
We cleared me that day. She gave me energetic exercises to clear his energy out of my body and some cord cutting… and it helped, but I still felt him…there was still more.
Somewhere along the time line of all this, I started my journey with Cranio-Sacral Therapy. I started working with my mentor and every time I was in a session or doing a session on someone, past life energy would come up. I was beginning to tune into my past life stories and there was a doozy that was physically trying to get my attention. I would be going about my life and suddenly feel a knife plunging into my back. There was no knife in reality, but it was painful…
The scene is night time in a forest, full moon. We are gathered around a fire, wearing red robes. The leader disrobes me and starts cutting into my back behind my heart chakra. It is my duty to disregard my pain, to disassociate from my body. This was not only physical but energetic as well. They were connecting my heart chakra of all subsequent lives to this group, to this cult… I was powering up whatever our quest was from my energy, multiple lives. Pretty trippy. As I remembered this scene, I had a flash of a meditation I had done where Jamison had shown up as my guide in this life, and I suddenly wondered if he really wasn’t my guide and this was a multi-life manipulation. (I also came to know other lifetimes where he had been a “spiritual” leader of some sort…and our interactions were not pleasant… no wonder I DID NOT LIKE HIM when we met lol)
I would be doing something, and suddenly I would feel the stabbing pain in my back, catapulting me back to that time in the forest. I knew I had to break free from it but I didn’t know how. My mentor and I started working on it, decording me from that energy. It was interesting because as we worked me, I felt my energy return in a way that hadn’t been in a long time. And I found that I went from desperately loving him, to not really caring about him anymore than any old acquaintance that I had. I still thought that he was my twin flame though and that I had just finally really moved on. Here and there his energy would pop up around me, I’d wish him well energetically and carry on with my life.
I feel this is why I didn’t really think of it when my true twin came into my life last year. Been there, done that, got the degree, moved on. I was looking for something else… definitely not twin flame connection (a twinship!)… no repeat of that drama necessary. When it came up, my response was nooooo… lol, but I couldn’t deny the connection or what I was feeling despite myself.
Here is a good time to mention that it was totally different from the Jamison or “false twin” connection. It did not start out with dislike, there was no control paradigm. This was home. This was reflection. It was the exhale after holding my breathe for a million years. There was allowing and resonant. I’m a pretty independent being… my whole experience with Jamison had push and pull as he tried to control everything I would do… wild horses and the embodied feminine can not be dominated or controlled, just loved, for the record. It was peaceful and fun and silly and a reflection of the innocence and light of my soul. I didn’t know what to do with the energy coming through this new connection.
So I went for help! I went to Maya as I had seen her as highly recommended by someone I knew and she had already been a lil part of this path that I will talk about in another blog. I told her I don’t know what I think about the twin thing, it kinda triggered me, but whoa this thing.. what is it? She honored my trigger, ha ha, because Maya is the best and loving and light and kind… but she confirmed that it was my true twin. (as has everyone else I have worked with on this path that can sense/see these energies.. although I will always encourage you to quiet your mind and get to that place where you know it within yourself) Where did this leave the Jamison thing? What was that? I was beginning to be able to distinguish the different between my twin flame and the false twin energy that was connected to me.
I worked with someone during my Soul Shock time who said that they felt Jamison still in my energy field, and as I went through the Soul Shock experience, I often would confuse my twin’s energy with Jamison’s…which only added to the running feeling I was experiencing within. I’d see my true twin in my dreams, but his voice and method of speaking was Jamison’s. It FREAKED me out. There were still cords connecting my energy to that life, possibly connecting my twin to that life?…to whatever that mission was that I had given myself and my energy to. The stabbing in my back which had been mostly gone for a long time, was back. In a yoga class, one night, I saw myself in that lifetime, in the red robes in the forest, under the moonlight… I saw myself morph into Kali and once and for all sever the energy and the cords. I was done. This was serious. I was serious. No more syphoning my energy. That was a powerful class 😉 It was that moment that I firmly understood that the connection I felt was not a true twin experience but definitely could be categorized as “false twin.”
Jamison went away after then. His energy stopped connecting to my twins. I stopped hearing his voice and suddenly my trigger around twin-ship went away. I think that was the moment I stopped running and said yes. This was the beginning of my acceptance of my true path to Divine Union through finding the union in me.
I share this story because many people talk about dark twins, false twins, catalyst twins, karmic partners, etc… What was Jamison? I don’t know… If I had to say with what I know now… I’d say he was a karmic partner and there were some major cords attached. The connection was the cord… the connection had reflection and brought me healing, but it was not a mirror experience of my soul. Jamison is not my soul. When I looked into his eye, I felt nothing but coldness. What I had connected to, was how he knew me, but of course he knew me… he had been using and syphoning my energy for lifetimes. It was a manipulation…but I had allowed myself to be manipulated.
My story sounds like other twin stories I have heard. This is why I remind you to be open on your true path to divine union. Do your inner work, notice what the patters are showing you about yourself. Show up for yourself and do your healing work… because maybe this person is your true twin, but maybe you are in a similar situation and the connection is a corded “false twin” or “karmic partner” connection, not the soul mirror that a twin is. I don’t know… You may not know… but I promise if you do the work, you will be able to sort it out. A big lesson from this that I see now in my young lil 20-something self was that I was hungering to be known. Jamison filled that hole for me for a time, but ultimately his controlling behavior showed me that his “knowing” was my desire to be seen and a manifestation of his desire to control me, not a sign that he actually “saw” me.
You don’t have to know what your experience is, if this is a twin or a false twin. Obviously it took me a long while to figure this out but I needed to go through that experience…and maybe I needed to believe he was my twin in order for me to show up and heal this very old pattern in myself. Show up for you. Practice self love… work with people who know what they are doing and can help you understand yourself and if need be clear you from cords and these energies. Some like to say that karma doesn’t exist… ok… that’s cool… in that case.. I don’t know what that was but clearly there was something there to be worked through and I’m glad I was able to work through it. That’s the point. You can work through it no matter what it is. I also want to clarify that my experience of the connection was part of the manipulation. Yes, I felt what I felt, but a big part of what I felt, was based on how I thought he was seeing me. But it was never him seeing me – I was feeling my energy. I believe many false twin situations arise from the desire to fill that hole of needing to be seen, but this is opportunity of healing in order to know yourself.
What I will tell you about the difference between a false twin and a true twin at least in my experience – your twin, will bring you closer to you, will bring you closer to God Universe. It may not always be easy, there are mirrors to be cleaned, but ask yourself if it’s moving you closer to love, and if it is… keep on it. Twinship is designed to bring out the best in you, even if it has to bring out the worst in you first 😉 We are humans… we make mistakes, we hurt one another, even in this journey but, it will return you home, to your center where both of you exist in union, always. You will be able to release the obsession and find peace because they are a piece of you…or a peace of you 😉 Find your center and you will feel the difference. It’s no longer about falling in love with something outside of you, but rather, rising in love within yourself.
To work with me: http://www.gaiablooming.com/mimi-clarks-services
and I highly recommend Maya if you are confused about what your connection is http://www.choosefaithnotfear.com
here is a video about her catalyst experience